aikyo_no_aru's zenrei

Ms.Banks

2006-08-20T18:59:00.000+08:00

huwahhhhhh im soooo fat right now. i'm currently 140lbs. OMFG. this is the heaviest weight that i've ever been in my entire life! im 5"2' so my ideal weight is only 110lbs. im overweight by 30lbs for cryin out loud!!!!

so why ms.banks? just call me ms. piggy, ms.piggy banks. i like the cream in my frappuccino blended not whipped hehehehe

asteeeggg

2005-10-08T02:38:00.000+08:00

You're known for starting trouble. But you play it cool. Besides, no one can resist your sharp eyes and quick wit. *They* eat from the palm of your hand. Though you have weaknesses, which may have deadly consequences, you, are resurrected, as if the gods themselves breathed immortality into you.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

And check out badmofowallets.com!

ish my burtday

2005-09-24T05:06:00.000+08:00

dahil kakatapos lang ng bday ko ipo-post ko ang pic na ginawa ng aming MM social's committee. hehehe baket ba blog ko toh noh! harharhar *evil grin*

this was Macromedia's way greeting me. :O) they do the same thing for everybody who celebrates their birthday. Tenchu soooo much!

Tanong

2005-08-18T05:53:00.000+08:00

bakit kapag sobrang gusto mo ung isang bagay, saka mo hindi makukuha?
kapag pakiramdam mo plastic ang isang tao, ico-confront mo ba siya?
pag may tao na dapat i-confront, pano mo gagawin?
kung dapat magreklamo pero magkaka-stigma ka na, tatahimik ka ba or magsasalita pa rin?

im back balakubak!

2005-07-21T20:02:00.000+08:00

finallyyyyy!!!!! this is it!!!! at long last nakapag-blog din ako!! i miss you my dear blog!

excited ako kasi the only time i get to do my blog is during my free time at work. eh dyusko naman noh.....sa bahay may computer nga ako pero feeling ko umuuwi lang ako para matulog, maligo at makapagpalit ng damit. sa ofis na ko kumakain and its where i spend most of my gising moments.

these past few months kasi, i was having problems with my office computer so di ako makapunta sa websites other than ung website ng project that i'm with. sobrang LOSER noh?!? nwei, apparently today is a good day. sana lang di na umulit ung computer problems ko para makapag-blog ako pag may oras hehehe.....

LMAO!

2005-04-29T06:04:00.000+08:00

it was slow today at the office so i was able to have my staple of good reads from my fave site peyups.com. i again came across a very funny article that reminded me of how me and my bestfriend (shy) would talk. click on the link.....smile.....laugh even!

Biyaheng Peyups : That Extra Oomph: Why I love U.P. alumni and alumni-to-be

when i say JA u say RULE!!

2005-04-27T03:30:00.000+08:00

oh man, oh man, oh man! watching the Ja Rule concert with Shy last Saturday was a blast! my throat hurt from screaming so hard and i got sick the day after but it was all worth it. and did i mention that the tickets were free? yep, won them from BLAZIN 105.9. dj pacy fire is my lucky charm. he was the dj the day i won the tickets.

Ja Rule is sooo hot. even if we were only able to see him on the big screens (we were sitting far from the stage) he still looked so hot! and those killer abs! i swear every hot-blooded woman screamed their lungs out when he took off his shirt. he was sweatin like hell inside Aranet Coliseum. thank you humidity! hehehehe.....

what does your name mean?

2005-04-21T01:59:00.000+08:00

a name is a name is a name right? did/do you ever wonder what your name meant/means? why am i asking? because i believe that a person's name can also influence how one behave and interact with other people. syempre how can you socialize properly and with confidence if your name is procopia di buh? ang hirap mag-introduce ng sarili kung medyo di ka nagagandahan sa pangalan mo. i've had that difficulty kasi nung grade school at highschool, kawawa ka kapag pangit ang pangalan mo (whether first name or last name).
in my case, my first name is ok. it's a safe, pretty common first name.

my last name though, my, my, my......that's an entiiiireeellly different story. i've been teased endlessly because of my last name. when i was in highschool someone even said it's a good thing im a girl because i get to lose the last name when i marry. yep...teen-agers can be cruel sometimes...puberty is such a difficult stage indeed.

college was different though. nobody cares if your first name is procopia or what your last name was. college is the big leagues. i used to think that the weirder the person's name is, the more intelligent they were. twisted logic huh? hehehe....

umaalingawngaw

2005-04-15T04:00:00.000+08:00

ilang beses ko na ata nai-blog na halos magkadikit na kami ng bestfriend kong si shy. ms. shyrane romano palermo. grabeh 10 years na kami magkasama pero di pa rin kami nagkakasawaan. madalas na nga kami mapagkamalang lesbian lovers kasi super close kami. nung namatay si jing, she looked after me and became not only a bestfriend but also family. kasama ko tong bruhilda na toh sa saya, lungkot, hirap, problema (puso or pera at kung ano-ano pa man). kaya naman sobrang naka-relate ako nung nabasa ko ito sa peyups.com. grabeh shy, my bespren, basahin mo itoh sisterette: Boypren Mo Daw

ikaw na ikaw kapag sinesermonan mo ko tungkol sa mga katangahan ko sa lalake hehehe...

hay nako

2005-04-09T07:35:00.000+08:00

bakit kaya kapag ako nagkakamali, pansin ng iba? pero kapag iba nagkamali parang wala lang nangyari. and parang kasalanan ko pa rin yung kasalanan ng ibang tao.

hay. un lang.

burn baby burn

2005-04-02T07:03:00.000+08:00

sorry this entry is not about anything interesting.....im just plained BURNED OUT. it doesnt help that this work week took soooooo long before it was over. thank god it's weekend na. it seems like i have zero energy. i haven't bathe my dogs for two weeks now. my other dog, beethoven, is now severely infested with fleas and i find it repulsing to even bother giving him a bath. painting a picture of picking out fleas doesnt do me any good either. if my dad was here siguro nabatukan na ko nun for letting the dogs be overrun with parasites. buti na lang nasa amerika sila harharharhar!!!!

haaayyyy nakakatamad to the max!!!!! buti na lang i managed to clean my house last week. i didnt have any visitors so my house is pretty spic and span until now. i may just need to do a little dusting but hopefully nothing else. i also need to do my laundry. tsk tsk what an exciting life.

shy and i are planning to go malling later on para maiba naman. pag ako kasi ang kasama niya umalis lagi na lang sa bar ang punta namin at lagi na lang kami umiinom. every weekends lang naman kami gumigimik pero it can be pretty tiring at nakakasawa. shy and i have plans of going out of town. pera na lang ang problema. hmmm sana maraming gwapo sa mall later para makapag-boy watching man lang.

i'm experiencing abdominal pains for more than half of my shift. parang siyang dysmenorrhea na hindi kasi i dont have my period pero im in pain. mas masakit pa siya kesa sa actual pain ko during my cycle. shy, my bestfriend, has been nagging me to go to an ob-gyne for a check-up. i've been meaning to kasi nga i've been experiencing harrowing pains more often. kaso natatakot ako to go to an ob-gyne kasi baka malaman ko na malapit na pala ko mamatay hehehehe......morbid ba?

overcoming hurt

2005-03-17T08:41:00.000+08:00

how do you get over a pain so you can also get on with your life, move on, recover? to forgive is easy but it's NEVER easy to forget right? when you haven't forgotten does that mean you're still hurting?

im in a stage in my life where past hurts are slowly turning me to a cynical, bitter, lonely person. i may show a happy facade but inside im slowly dying. pag mag-isa ko sa bahay bigla na lang ako iiyak ng walang kaabog-abog. feeling ko nga minsan masyado na kong nagiging drama princess.

can you blame me then if i start to hate and blame the people who have hurt me for turning me into this person. read this artik: http://peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3673
ganda. naka-relate ako.

coz im falling under.....

2005-03-12T02:23:00.000+08:00

i've been reading the wittiest, funniest and most insightful writings in peyups.com (and most of the articles there reflect my somber mood)......see the sampling below and you'll know what i mean

[The Day He Left - by mindgames]
"I yearn to be free from paranoia, and for whatever caused him to leave me. I yearn to be a vagabond yet I built all these defenses around me and stayed inside as if it were my house, so he could not get through me. I built these sea walls around me to keep at bay the sadnesses of life. But one of the most difficult problems I had is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that I have a true harbour, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain. I didn't build it low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh seawater that will fend off my inevitable inclination towards brackishness. "

--------------------------------------------------

[Ang Huling Araw - nSeNsiTiV]
"Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man."

"Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga."

"Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.
Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to."

wise women

2005-03-02T07:31:00.000+08:00

im not really a fan of tv nor movie quotes but i do use and apply to my life those that make sense. so i was pleasantly surprised when an officemate sent a spam email about sex and the city quotes. these caught my attention:

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
ME: so true...sabi nga ni shy "pare kelan ba nagkamali instinct ko ha? kelan pa?!?"

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
ME: i tried this and believe me it causes not just stress but a load of headaches. if you wanna get the effect of a brain freeze go and buy yourself the biggest slurpee size you can get your hands on. sa tingin ko mas ok pa yun.

Don't force an attraction.
ME: couldn't agree more. kung di ukol eh hindi bubukol.

Don't settle.
ME: meaning kahit end of the world na or even if you're already over 40 this should not be an
option. EVER!

You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
ME: try and try until you die to put it mildly hehehe

Do not make him into a quasi-god.
ME: you'll create a monster in the process. Im saying this based on experience!

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
ME: if he was more than a man he wouldnt need a woman by his side duh bah? even joseph
(Jesus' father) had Mary on her side.

Actions speak louder than words.
ME: this is going to be one of my golden rules from now on! guys most of the time say one
thing and then do something completely different so sistahs, use this as your guideline!

When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
ME: ff-up toh nung statement above and all i can say is: this is soooo reliable.

Never let a man define who you are.
ME: been here, done this and believe you me, if you get yourself in this situation, you end up feeling so insecure you cant even decide what you want for yourself anymore.

Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
ME: NEVER as in NEVER. mas madalang pa sa patak ng ulan ang compliments that come from men. parang ikamamatay nila ang pagbibigay ng compliment. besides happiness and fulfillment should come from within you not from other people.

Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
ME: *sigh* so true. how many times ko na ba narinig toh and the men who said i love you to me
often ended up hurting me even more.

To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.
ME: meaning matuto ng leksyon. fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me! an old (or rather wise) cat can learn new tricks.

Love is a verb ...
ME: two-way street itoh, give and take. hindi puro give at lalong hindi rin puro take.

Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
ME: if you do, you're basically a helpless gullible prey to your man. trust him, YES but do not
overtrust.

Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
ME: AMEN to that! dapat lang naman duh bah?!?

When it's time to let go; let go.
ME: tsk tsk.....sad but true

hay no wonder i love STC so much. when im 40-ish imma make it a point to be like the STC girls. they kick butt and still get to break hearts of men who deserve it. mental note: lay of the carbo so i can be half as stunning as they are when im at that age.

New Skin!

2005-02-19T09:08:00.000+08:00

i got bored of my old blue blog so i decided to change it. this one is still simple but that's how i likes it! green skin for the green minded hehehehehe.....

gimme multiple doses of inspiration....

2005-02-10T03:43:00.000+08:00

this writer's block is worse than ever! i freakin hate it. its like i have a ton of things on my mind that i ust want to rant about but i cant seem to organize my thoughts.

is this a sign that i need a much needed chikahan session with shy (oh well lagi hehe...)? whatever it is i need inspiration. i gotta write about something. not writing makes me feel agitated to the point that i think i can endure getting two tattoes on the same day (NOT!)

at least we have a long weekend ahead of us. North America is observing President's day Monday next week so that means rest for us call center humanoids. I think we only get to have a total of 10 holidays within a year.....hay oh well....

MENTAL NOTE: clean house, process mom's retirement papers (again! sana matapos ko na toh...*sigh*), give my two dogs a bath (ewwww), get my two week laundry pile to the wash, and yeah...i forgot.... manage to have fun. :o)

remembering dear friends

2005-01-25T18:20:00.000+08:00

i was going thru old pictures and i again came across pics of me and my soul sisters when we were just uhugins back in highschool. it never fails to put a smile on my face when i remember all of the kulitan, harutan, bonding, iyakan, and barubalan that we all shared. i guess this is why we all have stayed friends even after everybody went off to college, others went abroad to either study or work after college, some started families of their own and even after a friend left us early to spend the rest of her life with our Maker.

i remember that we were all afraid to graduate from highschool because we thought we'd fail to get in touch with each other again or that we'll slowly drift apart and then eventually, lose the friendship......i guess God was good to us because He somehow made a way for us to stay bonded and for the friendship to stay the same......across miles.......defying even death.

other people have big groups of friends......i only have a number of people i consider close friends.....no, not friends but family.......i guess if it were society's standards that'll be used to measure my popularity, i'll be having a negative score.......still.....i consider myself lucky. these are people who i know will be with me not only when im happy but they are also people i can hold on when my hope is gone......when my faith falters.....when problems test how strong i am.

jem....thanks for believing in me...lam mo na what i mean by this mare.

shy......lola! bakla! hay ano pa nga ba masasabi ko sayo? lagi tayo magkadikit! seriously...thanks for being there pare....pati na sa mga luto mo hehehehe.....

em.......i know we've only known each other for about two years now....i'm lucky to have you as a friend....you make me strive to be a better person (potential ms. universe candidate po itoh grabeh)

shine.......i know happy ka na where you are right now, no more pain and suffering for you my strong friend.
thanks for the mem'ries. miss ka na namin and we'll always miss you.

at sa iba pang mga kaibigan.......it's been one helluva ride......

happiness....

2005-01-22T02:15:00.000+08:00

Happiness...why is it so hard to find? this is a commodity that's free and yet very few have it.

is it hard to find because human beings only see what they don't have instead of what they do have?

is it because we are never content and we always want to have more?

is it because we look for our happiness from other people instead of looking inside ourselves?

is it because we are descendants of adam and eve who were the ones who ate the forbidden fruit from the garden of eden?

why is it that when you get into a phase that you think you're already happy, everything goes wrong or hassles come up and then your back into your unhappy state again?

i've been asking myself why it's so hard for me to find happiness. if and when i compare myself to other people, i still consider myself lucky. i have a job that pays well, i do live alone but i know i still have my family even if they're gazillion miles away, i have my share of problems but they're tolerable and i have people who love me and accepts me for who i am.....so why am i not happy? its just that there are times that i feel a gaping hole inside my heart that nobody seems to fill up.

don't get me wrong....im not depressed, suicidal, pessisimistic or all of the above. i do have my moments wherein i feel so damn lucky and i feel like a million bucks.......still there are moments of unhappiness that pass thru every now and then.

i just recently watched Bruce Almighty on cable and i can definitely relate to Jim Carrey.
i have this picture in my head that God is about to strike a lightning bolt thru me just to bring me back to my senses.

maybe the void is caused by me having no time for God anymore.
maybe it's because my soul and my faith needs to be renewed.
maybe i need to do something to make me feel my worth and know what my purpose is.

there are a ton of maybe's.....

In Bruce Almighty, Jim Carrey was asked by God to do a good prayer and this is mine.....

i pray to God that he not only helps me but also others to find their happiness, hope, purpose and worth in their lives.....not only when they ask for it but at the time that they need it the most....when giving up seems to be the only option...when it feels like nobody else is there to help......and when we reach our breaking point, please be there by our side and show us the path to you....amen.

The Angel

2005-01-19T06:22:00.000+08:00

You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.

*this is it...confirmed na talaga...ngayon alam ko na kung bakit fallen angel ang tawag ko sa sarili ko.

"And The Angel rose as holy protector for
all that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But
the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."

Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,
the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.

As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your
word. You generally keep your promises and
give everything you do your best. Although
some people see you as overbearing sometimes,
you know that you have to stay true to yourself
and do what's right. Angels are the best
friends to have because they are brutally
honest.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

yeah thats' karma baby and it goes around

2005-01-18T11:11:00.000+08:00

"Karma"

Weren't you the one who said that you don't want me anymore
And how you need your space and give the keys back to your door
And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me
And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave
Now you're Talking bout a family
Now you're saying I complete your dreams
Now you're sayin I'm your everything
You're confusing me
What you saying to me, don't play wit me, don't play wit me
Cause....

What goes around comes around
What goes up must come down
Now who's cryin', desirin' to come back to me
What goes around comes around
What goes up must come down
Now who's cryin, desirin', to come back

I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you til 3 o'clock in the 'morn
And when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse
Half explaining to me like I'm just some kind of a fool
I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you
But when it's time to do for me
You never come thru
Now you wanna be up under me
Now you have so much to say to me
Now you wanna make time for me
Whatcha doin to me, you're confusin me
Don't play with me don't play with me cause

I remember when I was sittin home alone
Waitin for you till 3 o'clock in the 'morn
Night after night knowing something goin on
Wasn't long before I be gone
Lord knows it wasn't easy believe me
Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me
And never do what you're supposed to do
No need to approach me fool, cuz I'm over you

Gotta stop trying to come back to me

IT'S CALLED KARMA BABY AND IT GOES AROUND.....*eViL sMiRk*

how evil do u think u are?

2005-01-05T08:14:00.000+08:00

I am 36% evil.

I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

This sooo god damned true. Nuf said.

emote mode part 2

2005-01-04T05:53:00.000+08:00

i've been listening to a CD of good songs (c/o shy *wink*)....romantic songs if i should say which brings forth emote mode again....this is the song that made me cry not coz im depressed but coz it touched my heart.....

ANGEL
Sarah McLACHLAN

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chancefor a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

and now let's get to know the b*tch

2004-12-04T06:50:00.000+08:00

b*tch
>A female canine animal, especially a dog.
>A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing.
>A lewd woman.
>A complaint.
>Something very unpleasant or difficult.

these are definitions of what a b*tch is and i must say how appropriate they are. the author forgot to include that its also someone conniving and deceitful. these are the people that best suits the catch line "you think you know but you have no idea". b*tches are close relatives of backstabbers. if you encountered one you know what im trying to say.

why is it that some people go out of their way to be b*itches? does it give them a thrill like what a drug does to an addict? is it an itch that you just gotta scratch? or is it simply because they are sick in the head and just want to make people's live miserable.

one thing i know is a b*tch will always be a b*itch. they might be shiny on the outside but they're all grimey in the inside. think mean girls to the nth power.

Breaking Free

2004-11-18T05:39:00.000+08:00

" I want to break free......I want to break free....God knows I want to break free...."
-cheesy song from the 80's but hey, it gets my point across

"And I'm free....free falling..."
-one of the songs from Jerry Maguire

exactly one week from dealing with the inconsiderate buffoon, i can finally say i have broken free. it was a vicious cyle that needed to end and will not go away by simply ignoring it so i decided to face it like a woman.

to my close friends who have known the vicious cycle i got into, they'll ask how is this one different from the other times i broke free. there's a BIG difference - i no longer love the guy. did i tell him that? YES. how did he take it? not too well. do i feel guilty? OF COURSE NOT. he passed up toooooo many chances. being who he is (inconsiderate jerk) he even tried to turn it around by saying im doing this because i found a replacement guy. i just couldnt help but roll my eyes and scream at him.

when i was talking with jem, she told me that maybe i was picking out the wrong guys and now i totally agree with her. i tend to think that all men are the same. but then again i've only been with three guys which ended up in three bad relationships. should i know the difference? YES. coz with age should come wisdom....wisdom that helps you make good decisions.

Breathe by Blu Cantrell - My Song for the Moment

You say you love,
say you love me
But you’re never there for me, yeah, mmm...hmm...
You’ll be cryin’, slowly dyin’
When I decide to leave, oh, oh
All we do is make up
Then break up
Why don’t we wake up
And see
When love hurts
It won’t work
Maybe we need some time alone
We need to let it breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
You’re only lonely when your homey
Ain’t got a ride or no loot, yeah, uh-huh
Then comes the dramaS
ome other girl is claimin’ she’s goin’ out with you,hmm...hmm...

All we do is make up
Then break up
Why don’t we wake up
And see
When love hurts
It won’t work
Maybe we need some time alone
We need to let it breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe (Uh...huh...)
Breathe
Summer, spring, winter and fall
I realize love don’t love me anymore
I’m still walkin’ out that door
Waitin’ for a cure
I wish that you could love me more
And give me what I’m lookin’ for
You used to be the one I adore
But now it seems I’m just not sure
Maybe we need some time alone
So we can just breathe

Fallen Angel Still Angry with the Inconsiderate Buffoon

2004-11-11T08:56:00.000+08:00

day two and im still making it a point not to talk to my inconsiderate guy (funny how i still consider him MY guy given that he annoys me so much and makes me mad until i reach my breaking point). he was calling our house but i havent answered his calls. i know its him coz he calls up and lets the phone ring once or twice. bahala siya noh...manigas siya. magsasayang lang naman ako ng laway ko and energy if i talk to him.....i know he'll just listen in one ear and it'll go out the other.

i was talking to jem yesterday and being who she was (a woman who have literally been a step ahead of us eversince highschool), she actually knew the right thing to say and knows what's going on my mind. i mean, lahat ng thoughts that i keep to myself, she was able to verbalize w/o me telling her about it. syempre natural lang na napagalitan din niya ako. i actually agree with her that i already know what type of situation im into, i know what i can do about it but im not doing anything.

my plan? IGNORE THE F*CK OUT OF HIM....maybe he'll catch my drift......he better...... i dont want to waste my time talking to him anymore. i've already tried this tactic for 4 years now and nothing has changed.......

P*****INA KA! INCONSIDERATE BUFFOON!

2004-11-09T15:00:00.000+08:00

i was soooo looking forward to a good week but a guy ruined it for me.

SCENARIO: he called me up saying he wanted to drop by at our house telling me he wanted to see me...syempre natuwa naman ang lola mo kasi lately, mas madalang pa sa patak ng ulan ang dalaw niya. he arrives at the house and i ask him to buy lunch for the two of us. he goes out and comes back after an hour. i gave more than enough money to buy lunch for two and so i asked for my change, only because payday is still far away and im saving what's left of my money. after much hesitation he gives me my change. i ask why only a hundred was left from the five hundred i gave him. his answer - "nagpa-backlight kasi ako ng phone eh."

naknampucha! ayos ka din pare! he still went ahead and did what he wanted after i already told him i dont have money anymore and im basically dying for payday to arrive! sa sobrang inis ko di na ko nagsalita. i just told him i wanted to sleep just so he'll leave...he did leave. buti naman at di pa pala ganun kakapal ang mukha mo noh! i mean it's just money and im not the type of person to have issues or arguments about money. ang sakin lang konting konsiderasyon naman. potah di ko alam kung di niya naintindihan ung sinabi ko or di lang nag-sink in sa kanya or talagang wala siyang pakialam. di naman ako nagsasabi na bayaran niya kaso nakakaasar lang and it really gets my goat that a person lacks sooo much consideration. after he left gusto ko maiyak sa sobrang inis!!!! i sooo wanted to scream at him without giving a damn what the hell comes out of my mouth.

p*tanina talaga! i guess it's time for me to watch the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days".

Raves of a Soul

2004-11-05T08:20:00.000+08:00

i really couldnt take my old hair style anymore so i had it cut last wednesday. i like my new hair now actually. i feel light (headed?!!? harharharhar) and i actually feel like a great load was taken off of my shoulders (kala mo naman sobrang haba ng buhok ko dati). i'd like to believe my new hair made me look less haggard and *ehem* made me look a lot charming (ayan jem ha baka kasi violent reaction ka kapag sinabi ko na maganda ko kaya sabi ko charming na lang). Sa mga friends ko sige na pumayag na kayo na charming ako kasi im a button-nosed chubby girl.....charming would be a very suitable description for me duh bah? LOL.

im trying to be more patient with my guy and not act irritated all the time (eh puyat ako lagi sa trabaho ko eh...u cant blame me if i get a little bitchy sometimes). i noticed that he reciprocates whatever attitude i project towards him so therefore i'll be nicer para he'll be nicer din hehehehe......win win situation *wink*

also, i noticed that im becoming this cranky person that i dont know. i wasnt like this when i was in highschool AND college. i had my own share of stress back then but i was a cheerful person...smily even! i was perkier than a cheerleader (ok that didnt sound right........but seriously poch described me as 'perky'). maybe because work burns you out like no other sucker can......maybe coz you are strapped to your work and you cant go around skipping schedules like you skipped classes in school.....or maybe its being on the graveyard shift for eternity that's making me this way. whatever the reason is, i know i have to find a way to keep the better me and ditch the cranky one. i have enough time and excuse to be cranky during my Mars month.

Jem, one of my bestfriends and kumare, kasama sa kakulitan at harutan (back in highschool) has been bitten by the blog bug. kaya it makes me happy din kasi we have a new way of communicating with each other. chikahan modernized alalaumbaga......nasa Sunny San Diego ang bruhilda na itoh and i barely catch her online kaya im happy she's finding the blogging world as interesting as i do hehehehe......(JEM! accept mo na invite ko para ma-add kita sa site ko okish?)

Emote Mode

2004-10-30T07:45:00.000+08:00

i've been sooooo overly emotional lately....i even cry when i watch those damn cheesy tagalog movies for crying out loud! i've been in touch with my friends abroad and i got a message on friendster from my sister...i dont know if those are factors that's making me emotional. (plus i've been watching Oprah episodes that are real tearjerkers).

i'm also starting to feel the pang of missing my parents and siblings again. come to think of it...i havent seen my family for a whole year now. just when i think im getting used to living alone, loneliness creeps in and finds this hole in my heart and it makes a home there. it then decides it wants to grow roots and stay for awhile...sigh.....that damn petition better get processed soon coz i dont know how much more loneliness i can take.

dont you think its funny or rather ironic that when you lose what you have that's when you start to feel it's importance? i know it's a cliche but it's true in my case. i used to say "i cant wait to see, feel and experience what it's like to live alone!". it was fun at first but then if your like me and you're used to having your family with you, the fun will only last for a couple of months...maybe longer but eventually the fun ceases and you start to miss what's really important.

i would pack up and leave right now if that's only possible. to make matters worse, the holidays are coming in again. this is the second time that i'm gonna spend christmas and new year's alone...well not really alone coz im gonna be at work but alone as in not being with my family.

it also doesnt help much that the guy in your life who should be the source of your strength and the one that looks after you) is not doing his job description that well. i'm not a high maintenance girl for chrissake.....i have reasonable expectations......now my question is - why is it so hard for this guy to do his part and take care of me???? i take care of him....shit im like a surrogate mother almost. it just disappoints me sometimes that i dont get anything in return for what i give. dont get me wrong...im not expecting for a payoff but what i know of a relationship is it should be give and take (not unless things have changed and i'm living in a different world). if he is trying his best to do his "give" part then he's best aint good enough...i say he should do better....there's ALWAYS room for improvement.

im emotional and i dont like it.....being emotional gets me down unlike no other.....but then again this might either be stress or PMS......or the chocolates that i ate that gave me sugar rush that's now turning into a sugar slump......

Shark Tale

2004-10-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

I went to watch a Shark Tale over the weekend and what a good decision that was. It was so funny but also had a lesson behind it. I love Lenny the shark....he's like a flower rather than the shark and Robert De Niro is still great doing the voice of the "shark-father". It's a feel-good cartoon that reminds people to be content, be pleased and be thankful with what they have.......see our glass as half full instead of half empty.

----------------------------------------
Even if we think we are nobody's, someone still thinks of us as being somebody. To these people we are not merely faces but human beings that have hurts, pains, joys, failures and triumphs.

Oprah - The Original Queen of Talk

2004-10-22T07:42:00.000+08:00

i have been an addicted fan of Oprah way back from my highschool days. of course back then i wasnt and cant relate to her topics for discussion and couldnt see the light of her advices. But now or rather more recently, it seems as though i can understand clearly and definitely relate (esp. with topics involving men) wiht what her subject matter, thoughts and opinions are.

she's fun and hilarious when it comes to enjoying good things in life and giving people a chance to see there is hope no matter what. how i wish i was one of those people who got the free car LOL. but she's also smart, level-headed, humane, and has a good grasp of how lucky she is and i find it great that she shares what she have to people who are not so lucky as her.

i love her special episodes of make overs for individuals and houses, giving out dream weddings and free cars. I also love her christmas episodes not to mention when she shares her 10 most favorite things with her audience. Her Angel Network and Book Club are components that make me even more of an avid fan.

this might be cheesy and corny to peeps that may come across my blog but......Oprah...everytime i get to watch her show, touches me and changes me into a whole different but better person......small steps at a time. she's become a surrogate mother of some sort and i am definitely going to watch her live when i get to Chicago! (that'll be 6 years from now or whenever my petition get approved....PLAN B: marry an american to see Oprah live.....JOKE!)

Songs of a/ for the Confused Mind

2004-10-16T06:35:00.000+08:00

"Not The Doctor"

I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don't want to be your babysitter
You're a very big boy nowI don't want to be your mother
I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6
Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
At midnight, hey
What are you hungry forI don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don't want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights
I don't want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
And it's wounded beat
I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
What do you thank me
What do you thank me for

--------------------------------------------

"All I Really Want"

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriateI
don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses Falling all around...all around Why are you so petrified of silence Here can you handle this?

Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines Or when you think you're gonna die Or did you long for the next distraction And all I need know is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man a place to find a common ground And all I really want is a wavelength All I really want is some comfort A way to get my hands untied And all I really want is some justice...

Open Letter to GraveYard Zombie

2004-10-10T11:56:00.000+08:00

i was visiting em's blog and went to read the blogs of the people me and em know. then i came across a blog and i found out that the snake planted it's venom unto another victim yet again. jar was good in putting to words what i wanted to do to the person who backstab me and im thinking that we are dealing with the same snake. (i left her a message saying this). i feel bad that she had to be one of the backstabbers victim.

to jar....hayaan mo lang siya. i always believe that what comes around, goes around. makakarma rin siya. i think that person doesnt have a clue that people she backstabs already know what the hell it is she's up to. i dont even know her motive...... i bet you even consider that person as a friend at work......coz i did until i learned that she was talking shit behind my back.

the things that don't kill us only makes us stronger. this is what i always put into mind when someone hurts me. i soo wanted to confront this person but i realized i didn't want to jeopardize what i have for a person who's not worth it........ then again holla at me girl if you want to crush this common enemy.

Multiple Choice

2004-10-10T10:15:00.000+08:00

This got me thinking when I read it....every situation ends up hurting you one way or the other but the question is this - which one hurts more?

:: letting go of a person u've just learned to love
:: reminiscing the good times u shared together
:: shielding ur heart to love somebody
:: trying to hide what u really feel
:: trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from ur eyes
:: loving a person too much
:: giving up someone u never thought of giving up
:: having the right love at the wrong time
:: taking the risk to fall in love again
:: hiding ur relationship from someone else
:: controlling ur feelings to avoid hurting a friend
:: thinking of her every waking and sleeping moment knowing all the while that she never even thinks asingle thought of you...
:: letting go, because everytime you see the person, you only fall deeper
:: holding back only to find out when it's too late, you both felt the same way, but were only scared to lose each other so much that you didn't let the feelings out
:: falling inlove with someone you didnt mean to fall inlove with
:: finding the perfect guy/girl...with only one prob...he/she doesnt love you...
:: helping the one you love court your friend
:: seeing the one you love crying for someone else
:: the waiting also hurts like hell
:: having to hear "... I've met someone"
:: agreeing to his/her wish to 'just be friends'.
:: asking his/her freedom back bcoz 'he'd/she'd be happier with him/her'
:: asking u to 'forget that everything happened' and be 'normal' friends again.
:: hearing that u're treated as a big bro/kid sister (ouch!)
:: sharing her future plans for the guy/girl with you.
:: u stopped being friends bcoz her bf/gf asked him/her to.
:: being denied in front of people.:
:: telling u lies where he'd/she'd been when actually, he/she was with a 'new friend' or an 'old flame' (whew!)
:: he/she told u he'd/she'd be leaving u to return to her ex (d one he/she left 4 u!)
:: breaking someone's heart
:: fighting for that one thing that would make you happy that is, holding on to a person who can not guarantee you his/her commitment unless he/she fixed himself/herself...then, you are left hanging for the moment...then he/she says, time will tell... but you still decided to hope in him/her and trust him/her
:: PRETENDING you're OK when inside you're dying...:
:: PRETENDING to be strong.... and RECOGNIZING your weakness
:: lying in bed each night, thinking of that special person you can never have...
:: being with someone you can't actually love...
:: pretending you don't love a person whom you actually love...
:: being in love...
:: letting go even if you really don't want to... having no right to say you are hurting, because it was your decision
:: seeing the person you love hurt because of you... and not being able to help that person...
:: having the courage to say I LOVE YOU to the person you love and finding out afterwards that things will never be the same again when he/she doesnt treat you with the same closeness as before
:: having to face the fact that someone is capable of completely destroying the wall that you have set for yourself, leaving you weak and vulnerable
:: admitting that you love someone despite her/his imperfections
:: finding out that the more you try to hate her/him, the more you end up loving her/him, perhaps even more than before...
:: realizing how stupid your mistakes were that led to your break-up.
:: the thought that this girl/guy, used to really love you and you loved her/him as well but you didn't give enough and she/he gave up on you
:: Sharing the one you love with SOMEBODY else....."
:: making a promise....and realizing that when the time has come for that promise to be delivered....the commitment is no longer there...
:: the hardest thing about love - believing it exists.After you've been hurt......learn to forgive...learn to trust and love again

Drat and Double Drat

2004-10-09T06:50:00.000+08:00

*sigh* em called me up last night and told me that she can't go clubbing with me. she had to finish her papers. i said that it was ok because school work IS more important than partying. i sure miss that girl alot and i was so looking forward to going out with her. then again, there are other days that we can go out and i am on vacation leave next week so i hope we can go out by then.

also, i'll be paying the cash i owe my mom which i used to pay my damn phone bill. after paying it off i thought my direct dialing access would come back automatically. i had to call the phone company up and tell them my direct dialing is not back yet. i called them for the nth time yesterday and was told that they are still fixing the problem and its not yet done. they told me i can try to use direct dial again and see if i can access it by today. im gonna try it out when i get home and they better have fixed it or else im gonna be one dissatisfied customer!

alicia keys is having her world tour tonight and she's stopping right here in the Philippines for a one-night concert....of course i cant go because of the aformentioned lack of cash. why is it that when i dont have moolah, the good artists arrive here for their world tour???? i missed out on Incubus and one other concert (that i already forgot...i swear my memory gap is getting worse).

it's been fun here at work though. im enjoying the shift im at coz dom and angelo always make wise ass jokes which get me laughin my ass off. they are some funny guys them "boy toys". LOL. plus people are livelier as the sun starts to rise and their shift is about to end (specially if its friday hehehehe) and after 6am the calls get fewer so everybody is kinda gettin lose and getting ready to go home. funny coz i never thought i'll make it past 6 months but im still here......i'll be here two years come june.....and i believe i am getting to know people who are real.....

Break Away

2004-09-28T08:13:00.000+08:00

This song was in my head all day long so and so I decided to put it here on my blog.

BREAKAWAY
Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happyI would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakawayI'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a riskTake a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

Fear Factor

2004-09-24T05:20:00.000+08:00

I was watching my ultimate favorite T.V. show C.S.I. Miami (Crime Scene Investigation) and one of the dialogues used by one of the characters shed light on why I stick to men that seem to have issues.

The girl was a reformed meth user who has a husband that's still an addict and beats her up. When Horacio Caine (CSI Miami head guy) asked her why she's still with him she said "In a way, me taking care of him keeps me clean and stay off the meth...." she was afraid that if she separated from her husband, she'll struggle to stay clean.

I would say that I'm like that girl. Eventhough I know that the guy is no good for me I still try hard to keep the relationship normal and functioning (whatever that is....) Since I KNOW I live alone (aside from my two dogs that is) I'm afraid to actually feel it creep in slowly and if I don't have a significant other (even if some are not entiltled to be called using that term) i know i'll have lots of idle time and feel even more depressed. Having a guy around, even if he's a mental case and is more emotional than me, takes my mind off things and allows the voices in my head to stay quiet and lie low for a few quiet moments. You ask why this is so? Because somehow guys suddenly need nurturing when they're with a girlfriend eventhough they're perfectly capable of self-preservation when they're on their own (not speaking in general, just from past experience). Their jealous natures divert your attention and of course companionship is a given. That is if you can take and get used to the on and off fights and possessive nature of your nutcase-occasional jerk-tactless boyfriend.

Im so used to having my loud brothers, crazy sister, wacky father and equally loud mother around that when the noise was gone, I actually began to miss it. Now, I can't believe I have gotten so used to the quiet that a mere sound startles me (for example: When I sleep, it's a deep sleep but when someone's at the door or if my dogs bark, I wake up easily........but come to think of it, I sometimes have difficulty waking up at the sound of my alarm clock. LOL. I'm a walking antithesis of myself). I even get spooked when the house is quiet then a wind blows and i see the curtain move at the corner of my eye (damn peripheral vision!)

My bestfriend's sister believes a woman can stand alone and be happy without a man by her side. I believe that's possible. As for me I like to have someone to love and someone who'll also love me in return......someone who'll be my companion, be the one that has my back covered like i do for him and all that mushy and serious, good stuff on what a relationship is all about.

I have already come to realize and accept that as I'm growing older, I become more afraid of being alone. I fear even the slightest thought of it. But somehow accepting and admitting to myself that I have this fear also allows me to deal with if not conquer it.

Two Faces of Anger and Hate

2004-09-23T08:12:00.000+08:00

I ate breakfast at Jollibee yesterday morning and got a free newspaper. since it's not always that i get to read the daily news, i flipped thru the sections and browsed on what's interesting to read and catch up with what's happening around me.

saw the oh so fabulous and glamorous dresses worn by the hollywood actresses on a certain awards thingy (forgot what is was).......found out that the government's budget deficit has actually decreased by three billion (this reminded me of class discussions that i had at the isolated Public Administration Building at UP).........and another gruesome beheading of an American construction worker (if i remember it right) at Iraq.

After a very tiring bus ride (which is what my commute is always like), i got home and as usual flopped on the sofa and surfed thru the cable channels. luckily i caught Anger Management starring Adam Sandler. my face was all crumpled up when the movie started (coz i was tired but still cant sleep) but by the time the movie ended i was laughing my ass off and I was alone! the movie might have been lame for some other peeps but i found it very funny, entertaining and it actually has a lesson that we all can learn which is not to use and abuse people to gain more in life (which is best played by Adam's idiotic boss who sits all day at the office and let's Adam create the entire fashion line for the chubby cat Meatball) and to not let people use and abuse you for their own advantage. "Otherwise you'll turn into the implosive cashier who shoots everybody at the bank"...... hahahaha! Jack Nicholson aka Buddy - the Anger Specialist couldn't have said it any better!

After the movie, I went to my room and tried to solve that day's crossword puzzle (which ended up in vain). while i was thinking of synonyms, a thought crept into me. I was thinking that the beheading of the American and the movie Anger Management display the two faces of anger and hate.......the former is a grimmer face which makes you wonder what happened for things to be like this.....I mean we live on the same planet, breathe the same air and basically have the same creator but why do we treat each other this way? Why is it that no matter how hard we try to be kind and considerate to our fellowmen we end up destroying and brutalizing each other? Whoever can answer this question please tell me because I can't figure out for the life of me why this happens.

On the other hand, the latter tackles a lighter side and offers us hope......strength.....and a silver lining (as the cliche goes) telling us that anger and hate can be dealt with - that no matter how imperfect we are as human beings, we manage to overcome the odds inspite and despite of us being imperfect. Yes there are times that we homosapiens antagonize each other but we also are capable of coming together and agreeing towards one goal (localized example: EDSA People Power).

I find it amazing and I consider myself lucky that we live in a world that displays both faces of anger and hate. To me, it's a way for our Creator to tell us that bad and good, pure and evil can and does co-exist no matter where you go. You can never escape the bad but you'll still experience something good in your entire lifetime. We have the option to choose which one we follow.

FREE WILL...isn't this our main trait that makes us human? It's one of the factors that makes you who you are (aside from the genes and all), what kind of beliefs and principles you have, makes you decide if you want to eat pizza or veggies (ok, ok, lame example but catch my drift?)

Since God did not create man to have only the same way of thinking it is given that we'll disagree and fight each other. Then you ask, if God knows (and we know he is All-Knowing) that this will happen, why did He choose for us to have free will? My answer to that is simple.....God loves us unconditionally but wants us to learn from our mistakes and dust ourselves off after the fall. Even if he knows we'll hurt each other because of free will he also knows that free will lets us
have second thoughts and stop before we act thus avoiding potential damage (this might not happen always but it is experienced by most people).

For now, I leave those for today's ramblings. Time for me to head on home and see what thought creeps into my head this time.

Oh Happy Days!

2004-09-18T01:11:00.000+08:00

ayt....after ranting about a backstabber friend, i think its also fair that i dedicate this days thoughts and ramblings about friends that have been good to me. a special holler goes out to my sis em. :-) this girl gave me a great-bad ass-wonderful birthday gift. she took me out to the spa.
the place was really nice! we went into the jacuzzi, got a steam bath in a contraption that looked like a big "plato container"........you know....the one with transparent doors.......i cant describe it well enough. but yeah we had that and we got the massage. oh man! the girl who massaged me really made me ache after (but in a good way.......im masochistic i guess or have high tolerance for pain). she knocked out all the hard lumps on my back that was caused by stress and the cold air at the office. i was ooh-ing and ahhh-ing because i was in pain and pleasure all at the same time. i was telling em that i kinda had an involuntary muscle reflex when she massaged my butt! LOL.

the spa was really one hella of a treat coz i dont even treat myself like that! i can never have enough of thanking em and she kept saying that i dont have to thank her. leave it to that girl to be soooooo used to thinking that whatever she does is just ordinary and she doesnt need thanks.
but i still thanked her endlessly though hehehehehe........

my officemates greeted me a VERY VERY loud happy birthday hahahahaha! it was really sweet of them to do that. makes me miss my family even more. haze gave me a wallet for my birthday (the one i was supposed to buy from her). it was nice of her to give it to me as a present. my bestfriends from highschool also took their time to greet me. Ching called me all the way from Australia and that also is a great gift in itself. i learned from past experience that overseas calls are not cheap! Shy also called me up from her work and that's sooo sweet of her because it was her lunch time but she made sure she called me first before she ate (and THAT'S a big deal because when me and her eat, we dont talk to each other.......we concentrate on the food! hehehehe). Although some also forgot or didnt have the time to call me. im not really mad coz these two are Gyem and Chingbee - also highschool bestfriends/soulmates/kumare's/etc.etc. Both have kids and hubbies so thats enough for me to understand why they werent able to call. I'm also guilty of forgetting coz i have difficulty remembering dates. Although i am gonna pretend that im mad when they do remember harharharhar........

Me, em and my highschool friends are gonna go out clubbin tonight! Shy's bday was on the 16th - a day after my bday so this night out is going to be a double celebration in a way. i hope the crowd in Club V will be alive and in a good party mood. if not, em is gonna take out to Sibil where hot men can be found! LOL. i think this weekend is gonna be fun!

Plot and Lies

2004-09-16T05:43:00.000+08:00

Ever felt the pang of being backstabbed? hurts don't it? or more appropriately it makes you want to lay out your plan for vengeance right?

as soon as i realized the wonderful phase of socializing, i can say that i've been blessed with true-pinch yourself as if you are in a dream- sincere-good-natured-wacky (in a good way) friends. i dont really have a big network of friends but i am proud to say the small circle that i have been tried and tested. i've been with them good or bad. they've accepted me for my shortcomings, stupidity (specially when it comes to men), and stubborness (again with men); reprimanded me for my mistakes without trampling upon my self-respect and making me feel dumb and most important of all, they have loved me thru all this - unconditionally is actually an understatement.

so from all of what i just said, if someone you trust and whom you treated as a TRUE friend backstabs you how would you feel? how would you even react? or for that matter, how are you supposed to act or react after you know you have a snake as a friend?!?!?!? would you confront the "traitor"? as for me it literally felt like a stab thru my gut. when i found out i started denying it, then i started getting mad, went berserk enough to punch somebody and then slumped to disbelief. i didnt even confront or ask if what i heard was true.......maybe because I DO KNOW that this person is indeed spreading lies about me.

sometimes or rather most of the time you think you already know somebody. then you see a sliver of their true self and you either 1. ask why it took you so long to find out; 2. are you that stupid to not notice the signs? or 3. you can't believe that this is the SAME friend that you're seeing.

Being backstabbed is even worse than being cursed at or called names..........its even a lot worse when a friend is the one that's backstabbing you. at least people who say sh*t straight to your face are honest.........eventhough it's not exactly considered etiquette and you wish that the earth will swallow them, they are voicing out what they truly feel and think about you. No matter what people say....... regardless of all the trash that is said behind a person's back - friend or no friend......

AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE TRUTH WILL STILL BE THE TRUTH AND LIES WILL STILL BE LIES.

Faith

2004-08-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

a girl on the bus sits with her eyes closed.....trying to get some sleep but ends up contemplating on what her day would be like. she knows at the back of her mind that she should be worrying but she isn't......in a way this makes her feel liberated and free. somehow she has a way of knowing that everything will be all right. it always does.

this girl's day is just starting but she's already thinking what tomorrow would be like......

Sicko

2004-08-21T03:45:00.000+08:00

the fallen angel has fallen....im so sick today i feel like a truck ran over me.....my throat hurt......i have aches all over..........and i had no choice but to go to work. I was thinkin "what the hell....its friday anyway"......now i have this picture in my head that i want to kick my own ass for being stubborn.

Family Matters

2004-08-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

finally i was able to talk to my sister! she's in chicago with my parents and brothers and it's been a long time since we talked. it was bittersweet coz it was really fun talking to her again. it makes me miss them more.

it was so funny coz we were talking about our experiences with our jobs......how it's really hard to deal with a different culture from where we grew up. i think she's also having a hard time coz she's paying off the plane fare my aunt spent for when they immigrated there. she gets $500 for two weeks which is not bad....but since she pays for what they owe my aunt, she's lucky if she can save $100 from her paycheck. i just wish i was already there so i can help and do my share with the expenses.

it's good though that my sister has her boyfriend by her side. by what she's telling me, i think the guy is decent and is kind to her. the guy is polish and my parents really like him.

sigh....i wish i'll find someone like that......then again both my maternal and paternal sides have old maids in their family......it's not far off that i become one

I Hate Being Bankrupt

2004-08-07T06:53:00.000+08:00

don't ya'll hate it when you can't go anywhere coz you aint got no money....your dead broke....in short you have no cash, no moolah. nit, nadda, nyet, zero, zilch, none? if you don't know that feeling it's because: a) you can budget well and you never run out of cash or b) your rich - need i say more? it sucks being broke!!!!!!

i was supposed to go to tagaytay with hazel and mike but i had to bail out coz i dont wanna be a freeloader. they were tellin me it was ok but still i at least wanted to be able to pitch in for food or something. they already paid for the place and the gas expenses for crying out loud! but it was really nice of them two to invite me. i really wanted to go and i felt bad when they were already leaving but knowing myself i know i aint gonna be comfortable knowing that i can't share with expenses and stuff.

i'm now contemplating on what my weekend would be like. Most prolly i'll be in front of the t.v. most of the time.....or be online.....hmmm maybe i could finish the book i got.....The First Horseman (or a title close to that hehhee)

dayam.....suddenly remembered that i have to give my dogs a bath....what an exciting weekend this will be (NOT!)

Weekend Adventure and Misadventure

2004-08-02T22:42:00.000+08:00

i really had a nice weekend.....went out bowling with my office buddies....hazel, mike, sonny and dominic. we had a blast! hahahah.....used to be that i hated bowling coz i thought it was a game for old people but my bowling buddies made me think otherwise. me and mike had close scores but of course he won hahahah!! as if i'd be able to win over him. he is the bowling guru.

then me and my bestfriend em went out clubbing with her friends. really had a great time! for that matter me and em always have a good time whenever we go out. however.......when it was time for us to go home i noticed my bag was half open. then when i looked inside my cellphone was gone! my brain won't even register my phone being gone. arggghhhh!!!! and this was the phone i bought from em so it has sentimental value. i had to call my phone provider so my line will be discontinued. worse - i have to email my dad and ask for a letter authorizing me as the one in charge of the phone (it's under his name) so that i can get a replacement sim card for the phone line. argggghhhhhh!!!! (again)

good thing i put a security and pin code on my phone. they're gonna have to spend money disabling those codes before they can ever use it. haha!

whoever took my phone has got some bad vibes going their way. they better run for cover coz they're in for some bad karma!

Past.......Present..... Future???

2004-07-31T03:39:00.000+08:00

since this is going to be my new home.....let me post my entries from my previous blog site....this is me introducing myself to my new cyber space and giving it a background of significant events(if i might say so) slash life changing moments that happened to me.......

Monday, July 19, 2004

just arrived at the office and a thought crossed my mind.....why is it that men try soooo hard to gain back the girl that they already lost but this guy was a jerk (and he knows he was a jerk) when the girl was still with him.....ironic ain't it? men always say this (even hear it from movies we watch): "Women....can't live with them......can't live without them." if you ask me...the same saying applies to them. men always complain that they can't figure women out. news flash guys! we women don't figure you out too.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Just wanna share this nice quote....whoever said this possess a good dose of wisdom.

"When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that person will love you back. But don't turn your back on love because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings will make up for all the past hurts put together. TIMES TEN. "

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

saw this on my bestfriend's site....(shy im gonna borrow this ayt? hehehehe)....this song basically summarizes what i feel right now....god knows who im talking about by posting this on my site....

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all me childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Coz you're presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Just when i thought things were turning out well, life gave me lemonades again. Me and Will decided that we are better off as friends. I was really hoping that we can work out a relationship and I was willing to do whatever it takes just to make it work. But at the back of my mind I knew that it wouldn't work. It's the kind of feeling you get when you feel something's going wrong and it turns out later that your intuitions were correct.

I didn't want to let him go but I knew that it was the right thing to do.....in fact it was the only mature way to handle it. I knew he was still confused so I decided that it will be better for both me and him to stay as friends.

Heartbreak number two....what can I say? shit happens...so when it does the only thing to do is to get on with life and move on.......even if you just want to curl up and die.......

Notice meTake my hand
Why are we Strangers when
Our love is strongWhy carry on without me?
Everytime I try to flyI fall without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only wayI see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so smallI guess
I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

Monday, June 21, 2004

its been a month since my last entry and it's surprising how things turned out. from my last angst-ridden entry it seemed as though me and will won't work out but guess what? we did end up together! whatever it is that i had to experience and feel is definitely worth it. i have no regrets and if i were to look back....i will still do the exact same things that i did. like what i always say to myself....when you have lemons, make lemonade. it's not always that your world is going to be dark and gloomy......

Thursday, May 13, 2004

ahhhh the familiar feel of my blue weblog page. i missed this. a lot has happened....
all my bad feelings about michelle were confirmed when Will told me that that bitch asked her for money. The nerve! At least Will finally saw what type of girl she was. The problem is he has a new girl.....Leah. She seems like a nice girl and I think Will likes her. He is willing to go to La Union alone just to see her. He would not do that not unless he likes her.

Will arrived May 4. He sent me a message and missed call me. I was so surprised to see his number the first time. I was like "OMG! He's really here!" I wanted to see him immediately but i had work but we did meet up later on. I felt comfortable with him right off. It seemed as if we just saw each other yesterday and just continued on with our conversation. he has brown puppy dog eyes with long lashes. and he touched me in such a way that he also touched my heart and soul without me knowing it. the first time we spent time together was wonderful but the second time around, the roller coaster ride began. i'm not able to read him and he admitted that he has his walls up. hearing him say that, kinda struck a cord in me coz i can't believe he still had his guard up when we were together.

he still haven't texted me or called me since the last time we saw each other. He'll be meeting up with michelle to get the promise ring back and then he's off to La Union to meet Leah.
Whatever....F**k it! i think he's just treating me as a spare tire. I already told him what i felt about him and if he decides to trash that or ignore it I deserve better.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you
With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you
With or without you
With or without you

I can't live
With or without you
And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't liveWith or without you
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

Friday, December 12, 2003

got a tattoo! finally! after so many years of wanting one i finally had the guts and the money to do it. its wicked! im planning to take a pic of my tat and post in on this blog and my profiles as my pic hahahaha. that'll get rid of the old men who's sending me messages.
About Will, he's teaching me to be a playa. and i think poch is taking all the brunt of it. Will is still so much into michelle.....as always. but i think i've already accepted that that would never change. i realized i dont wanna be a spare tire that he can get from the trunk when his front tire blows up.

ah welllll......life sucks. if you get lemons make lemonade.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

newflash! the mexican guy i was so hung up with, who i call my right one is a total jerk. im glad i knew now that he's a damn asshole. good riddance!

Will on the other hand is still charming as ever. if only he knows how i feel for him. but of course i cant tell him. i cant even tell him the bad vibes i get over michelle! how can i? i dont want him to lose hope that he and michelle would and can work. i like Will but im not the type who'll snatch a man who is obviously inlove with a girl.

I just wish all the good things happen......i dont want Will to lose everything after he invests all of his love and time.

GreenHorn

2004-07-31T02:21:00.000+08:00

ahh a new venue for me to release my silent ramblings and dark thoughts......feels goooodddd......here ya are people. this is a window to my soul read on...come on...i dare you mwahahahaha......